Ultimate Survivor: Suburbia – The Grocery Store with Children Challenge

They should create a new season of Survivor called Survivor: Suburbia.

It would only last 7 hours, from 6:00am when the participant is rudely awakened by a small body propelling itself onto theirs while yelling in an attempted whisper, "Mommy!!! Are yooouuu awwwaaaaakeee?!!!!", to 1:00pm when the reward isn't a million dollars, but rather a 2.5 hour nap. A glorious, I-couldn't-survive-if-my-kids-didn't-take-a-2.5-hour-nap nap.

I imagine that one of the challenges would be The Grocery Store with Children challenge. The participants would be required to shop for a list of 120 items with an additional 30 items that must be remembered, but not written down.

To prevent any harm to real children, participants will have to carry in a slippery octupus (to simulate an infant) and a deaf monkey, the howling kind (to simulate a toddler – who is apparently deaf to all parental commands). They have to be carried in from the back of the store parking lot because a car full of teenagers will take the only close up parking spot. A severe penalty will be imposed if either the octupus or monkey are dropped.

At this point, the participant needs to select a cart:

  • Fun Car Cart – far too small to hold all 150 items needed from store, but may keep slippery octupus and howling, deaf monkey calm and quiet while shopping.
  • Limo Cart – It has a seat area on the front for children (or in this case – primates and invertebrae), and it will hold all items needed on list. However, this cart is difficult to maneuver as it is about 47 feet long.
  • Standard Cart – This cart offers a large basket as well as straps to help confine the participant's monkey and octupus, but said passengers, will be located in close proximity to the participant. Participant may be subject to physical protests from passengers in the event that passengers select an item from the store that is not on the list and must be returned to the shelf. Participant may be kicked, hit or sprayed with ink.

Once the cart has been selected, the participant will begin shopping, at which point, the slippery octupus will extend all appendages and continually grab unwanted items and put them in the basket and knock other things off the shelves. Meanwhile the deaf, howling monkey will begin howling at 120 decibels. Participant must be able to make wise financial and dietary purchases while attempting to contain the octupus and trying to minimize the sound level of the monkey. A smile and happy voice must be maintained through out the challenge.

Each participant is given two treats to use to alleviate the mischeif of their animal passengers. Timing the use of these treats is crucial. Too early, and the participant is left without a bargaining chip. Too late and the "children' may be past the point of appeasement. When the participant determines that the time is right, she pulls out a squid and a banana and gives them to the appropriate animal.

Since all reality shows have a disgusting element and few children finish all of their snacks, both the octupus and howling, deaf monkey will return one third of their respective snacks for the participant to either:

  • carry for the remainder of the challenge
  • or stuff in their pockets

Finally, the participant will arrive at the checkout line – aka "The Gauntlet of Fire." At this point, the slippery octupus will be feverishly reaching for M&M's, Butterfingers, Reeses Pieces while knocking beef jerky and lip balm on the floor. The participant must replace all displaced items to their respective boxes and the octupus must be removed from the cart and held by the participant. In protest, the octupus will flail its appendages and then spray ink all over the participant's clothes.

Meanwhile, the howling monkey will be ramping up to 150 decibels and the person in front of the participant will have 5 items needing a price check. Again, participant must maintain a smile and happy voice.

The winner of The Grocery Store with Children Challenge will be the participant who emerges from the store – sane and with two living and unharmed animals.


6 Responses to “Ultimate Survivor: Suburbia – The Grocery Store with Children Challenge”

  1. April 29, 2006 at 2:52 am

    Somebody’s on a roll, funny girl! This is great. Not only does it feed my need for daily amusement, but it’s about the most effective birth control I’ve ever come across!

  2. 2 Kat
    April 29, 2006 at 7:57 am

    Daily? Oh the pressure. I don’t know if I can churn this stuff out daily! 🙂 Although, it IS pretty therapeutic for me.

    You know, the funny thing is that I really absolutely adore being a parent. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my entire life, and there are some difficult days, but all it takes is one of my children pitter pattering over to me, looking up and saying, “Hold me, Mommy” and it’s like I have parental amnesia and all I can think about is how I’m the luckiest girl in the world.

  3. 3 seth ward
    April 29, 2006 at 2:28 pm

    Hey there. what a game. definitely effective birth control but, I will have to say, that i may be getting in the mood to have our own little octapus or monkey.

    you should send the Idea to Fox.


    btw, I love your blog layout. very nice!

  4. 4 Kat
    April 29, 2006 at 2:49 pm

    Thanks for stopping by Seth. Go for it! Parenthood has been the most lifechanging thing I’ve ever done and I cherish every minute of it…..some more than others. 🙂

  5. April 29, 2006 at 3:58 pm

    Oh don’t worry, I find amusement in many forms. I’m easily amused. I don’t expect daily genius from you… just frequent genius!

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